Information and a confession...

We are back from Malone's appointment at Spain Traumatic Brain Injury Center for psychometric testing.  The entire appointment took just over 3 hours and was very informative.  There was some really good stuff and some stuff I wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and scream "lalalalala can't hear you!" when Dr. Wright was talking to us.

Here's the good stuff:

• he's doing well remembering when he hears something (could repeat 14/16 words even after 30 minutes)
• he's attending to details in drawings so no evidence of something called "neglect" in his brain
• his ability to center things is intact (where's the middle of a line no matter the length of the line)
• simple problem solving was average
• he is retaining information newly given to him/newly learned (huge progress)
• we are moving in the right direction no matter how slowly

Here are the areas of challenge:

• on the repeating the words - he struggled if you asked him was a word in the list and gave him some that were and some that weren't
• fine motor from a strength issue is way weaker than expected

and the one that brought me to my knees

• on the depression testing they consider a score of 16 "depressed" and Malone's was almost doubled that (read:he's been faking it really well)

So we came home from Birmingham and I'm in the house alone and I laid on the bed and cried for bit.  Feeling totally overwhelmed by the discussion of new meds and educational decisions and therapies and just mostly brokenhearted over my boy's brokenheartedness over what has happened to him. At a time in his life when in our earthly minds we think "He should be taking college boards and asking a girl to prom and making summer plans." And what we were told today is he is having so much trouble putting pen to paper and he is so sad but hasn't talked to us about it.  And I think "what have I done wrong and where do I go from here?"

And God whispered to me "I got this."  He said, "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." (Isaiah 40:11) "I've got him Amy.  Malone is my lamb too and I have him close to my heart and it's ok that he is sad. You are the "those that have young.  I got this."

So my confession is this.  I'm really not ok with all this.  Let me be clear that I'm not mad or anything like that.  It's just that this is really really hard.  And it's ok for it to be hard and it's ok not be ok.  God is so teaching me to let him have this and let him have Malone.  If things were always easy, we wouldn't need to fall at Jesus feet or run to him when we are scared.  So for today, in my flesh, I'm really not ok but in my spirit...I'm choosing peace...

We will have Dr. Wright's full report by the end of the week and know more what direction to go with a plan.  We are so thankful for all the love and prayers!